Thursday, June 12, 2014

So Your Holding a Positive Pregnancy Test........

Photo: © |

My husband and I tried for over a year, before we got pregnant with our son Marshall. The month before I tested positive,  I had been four days late.  I was convinced I was pregnant. That was until that bloody bitch showed up and crushed my dreams. So the day I took the positive pregnancy test, I actually didn't expect to be pregnant.  See,  after the crushing negative test the month before, the husband and I decided to take a break from trying. To just be. So as I stared at the freshly pissed on test, with a very faint positive line, I was in disbelief. I mean the second line was barely there. Was it even there?   

I ran to the nearest drug store and bought one of those early detection test.(First Response, if you wanna know!) This test wasn't fucking around.  I pissed on it, and it lit up like a Christmas Tree. BAM. Two pink very detectable lines. 

My reaction went a little like this:

Holy shit .....I'm pregnant!!!

I'm pregnant!!!

I'm pregnant.

I'm....... pregnant?

I'm. Totally. Fucking. Pregnant.

Even though we had been trying, and wanting this so bad, my emotions were everywhere. I  started to teeter on the psychotic.  One minutes I was laughing, the next minute I was crying.  Then there was that good solid 45 minutes where I just stared into space. But after the initial shock wore off, and I came back to earth, I was excited to get on with my new pregnant lifestyle.  

Here is my advice on what to do, if you are holding a positive pregnancy test:

1.  Get Your Emotions Out. - If you need to laugh, laugh.  If you need to cry, cry.  If you need to rock yourself back and forth in a corner until your brain can comprehend the fact that your growing an actual person in your uterus.....then rock away.  My point is, now is not the time to keep it all in. Let your crazy, happy, scared, worried self out.

2.  Tell Your Partner - Once you have sorta calmed down, to a place where you can form words,  plan a way to tell your partner.  I went out and bought a small onesie.  When my husband came home, I greeted him at the door with it.  

He didn't get it.

"That's cute. Who's it for" he asked completely clueless.

"Our baby"  I replied with a smile so wide, it practically ran off my face and out the door.

"What? Why? Really? No? Yes? Yes?" were the babbles of words that flowed freely from his mouth.

See its fun and hilarious to tell your partner.

3. Bask in Your Moment.  Before you go running the streets, grabbing anybody who will look your way, and screaming in their face that your with child, try and refrain.  Just soak it all in.  Plan, dream, and wonder.  It really is such an exciting time.

4. Call the Doctor- Once you've processed, and told who you want to (or don't want to) make a doctors appointment.  That way she can address any questions you have, you can have some blood work done, and to hardcore confirm your one of the pregnant bitches! Boo ya!

Holding a positive pregnancy test for the first time, can leave you feeling bombarded with emotions.....even if you were trying.  But look at it this way, you really are about to embark on a pretty wild ride! And if you decide to do it again, the second time won't be so scary.  I should know, I just found out we are expecting baby #2!

Shauna Lynn



Thursday, June 5, 2014

The Sun is Out, and I'm Taking Advantage

I love summer, it is by far my favourite season. The warm weather, BB Q's, sunsets, fireworks, beaches, and swimming. I was born in the summer, and if it were feasible I would live my whole life barefoot in the warm grass. So after that long brutal, tortuous, winter (have I mentioned that I have a flair for the dramatics), I'm loving the warmer weather. So much so, that we are barely in the house. I'm ready to grab spring and summer by the balls, and take advantage of every sunny moment.  Here is how we've been spending the warmer weekends:

6:30 am : The Marshmallow (aka my 21 month old son Marshall) wakes up and calls for me from his room. I guess he didn't get the memo that weekends are for sleeping in.

8:00am - My little family goes out for breakfast. I don't feel like cooking on the weekends.....I'm just not the domestic goddess that you may think I am. (dripping with sarcasm)

9:00am - We find ourselves at The Home Depot.  Summer is also time for the husband to get some projects done around the house. 

10:30 - The husband (aka Matt) and I take our Marshmallow to the park, for a walk, garage sale'ing, or a festival/event that our city may be having. This also tires the little munchkin  right the fuck out.
2:30 - After lunch and a nap, Marshmallow is up and ready for action. We usually play in the back yard. My husband does some yard work, while I yell orders from a lawn chair, drinking a large ice coffee. Last weekend it was really warm, so we busted out the sprinkler. If your looking for a cheap way to spend the hot summer days.....a sprinkler is it! Marshall ran through that thing for and hour and a half straight! 

5:00pm - Dinner time rolls around, and we always have something to BBQ. Last weekend it was shish-ka-bobs, with a delicious greek salad. I seriously thought about licking the plate. We eat outside on the patio, and enjoy the last bit of day left.

8:00pm-  Matt starts a bonfire, and we let Marshall hang out with us in his pj's a little pass his bed time. What can I say, we are clearly the epitome of cool parents.

9:00pm - I put my beautiful baby boy to bed, smelling like campfire and spring time, then join my husband around the fire. Sometimes a few friends will stop by, sometimes it's just us, but it's a nice way to wind down our night.

Are you taking advantage of the warm weather?

Shauna Lynn

Friday, May 23, 2014

How Not to Become a Hoarder

Nothing scares me more than a hoarder. Actually that's a lie, a lot of things scare me more than a hoarder, but I just wanted to get my point across...OK?. I can't even watch the show Hoarders, I just try and get the jest of it from the commercials.......that's enough for me.  I think it may be because I'm claustrophobic, and the very idea of a bunch of "things" or "objects" surrounding me is enough to send me over the fucking edge.  I don't like it. So if you like to hang on to things, here is my advice on how to purge your life.  I'm not necessarily saying its good advice, so take it or leave it.  Side Note: When I say "purge" everything, I don't mean baby items, or things with true sentimental value

How Not To Become a Hoarder

1.Throw that Shit Out - I've always heard that if you have not used something in a year, throw it, or give it obviously don't need it.  I take it a step further......If I haven't touched the motherfucker in six months, its gone.

2. Give Yourself a Reward- Adding on to number one, every six months I do a huge purge.  I pick a day and go through everything, ,throw out what I don't want, donate what I don't wear, and pile up all my bills and loose papers that I haven't thrown away.  Then I host a bonfire, and use that as an excuse to burn all my bills and drink one or four glasses of "reward" for cleaning up!

3. Organize - I also organize my house once every six months. I put everything in its place. Its hard to hoard things if they don't have a place. This organization usually stays in effect for about 45 seconds, and then everything goes to shit, but the actually organizing helps keep the hoarding at bay!

4.-Learn How to Say No.  When I was in my early twenties and got my first apartment, a girl I worked with offered to give me a few items she wasn't using.  I said sure, and prepared for her to give me a box or two of household things.  Instead this bitch showed up everyday that week with 3 to 4 boxes of crap.  I am not being ungrateful here......she was obviously purging her house, and decided it was easier to give the stuff to me.  She gave me six "glue-gunned" together lamps, homemade crafts, doilies out the wazoo, and four toasters among other things.  Four fucking toasters......"just in case one broke". Lesson of this story: Just make sure the stuff you are being offered is stuff you will need and use. It's OK to tell someone no, you really don't want their crap.

Hopefully I have given you decent advise on how not to become hoarder.  If however you have come to the point where you already have too much stuff, just host a garage sale. Whatever money you make, don't spend it on more "stuff". Instead you can put it towards a fabulous trip.  Your welcome!

Photo Credit:

Friday, May 16, 2014

Reasons Why You Should Have a Gym Buddy

If your a regular reader of this profanity filled blog, then you are aware of my efforts to get into better shape. If your not (then welcome! I hope you stick around), feel free to catch up HERE.

Any way, the whole gym fiasco has been going pretty good. I'm down 10lbs, I have some extra energy, clothes are starting to fit better, and in general I feel pretty good. About a month ago my girlfriend Trudy joined the gym (actually, more like got suckered into it.) Seriously peeps, working out has never been so much fun.

Reasons Why You Should Have a Gym Buddy

1. You have someone to try new classes with. Sometimes it can be a little intimidating to try some of the classes the gym has to offer. This is especially true if your about as coordinated as a snail (which I checked, they are not very coordinated).  When you have a friend, you at least have someone to look over to with a face full of sweat, and beat red from trying to keep up, and realize you are not alone.

2. Laughter. Trudy and I did this one class called Sha'bam. A danced based class, complete with jumps, and spins. It was taught by this super energetic guy who had better dance moves then Beyonce.  It was a lot of fun. What made it even funner was the complete fall down laughter that came from watching your friend make a complete ass of her self....and visa versa. . In Trudy's words to me:  "I can't even fucking dance next to you, because you look like one of those Star Search rejects from the 80's with a permanent smile plastered across over your face."

3. Motivation -  There have been days that I don't feel like going, but if Trudy calls me up, I will go. There are times when she wants to leave early, but if I stay for an  extra class or longer on the elliptical, she will too.  She usually tells me I'm a fucking bitch face, and she quits me as a friend....but she stays non the less.

4. Excuse to Hang Out- Trudy and I have been friends since we were 14 years old. As we've gotten older, we realize how busy life can get (babies, jobs, husbands, etc.). Sometimes it's hard to see each other every week, but if we make a couple "gym dates", we are catching up while getting into shape.

5. It's No Longer a Chore: As much as I liked my "me" time at the gym, there were some days that I really had to drag my ass to the gym (and when I say drag, I mean seriously pick my ass up, down an XL coffee, and force myself to get in the truck, and drive to the gym )  When I know I'm going to meet up with Trudy, it doesn't seem  so bad. The work outs go by quick, and its always a laugh fest. It's grade nine gym class all over again.

So take a cue from me and ask (or like I did, force) a friend to go to the gym with you.  If none of them will do it, just tell them your going to get hot without them.  If that still doesn't work, make a friend at the gym.  Either way, working out with a pal is a shit load of fun!

Shauna Lynn

Monday, May 12, 2014

I Forgot to Shave My Legs

 Photo: © |

I'm sure as ladies, we have all been there. Letting our leg hair grow a little on the wholly mammoth side. Maybe because its winter.  Maybe its a tactical plan to hold out on sleeping with a guy on the first date.  Or maybe, like in this case, you just kinda forgot.

The Time I Forgot To Shave My Legs

I booked a deluxe mani-pedi as a treat to myself. My feet were in rough shape, and I was in need of some "me" time.  Usually when I have such an appointment, I make sure my legs are freshly shaved. This time however I guess I was too busy to remember.  I don't want to blame motherhood for my lack of time and forgetfulness........actually, yeah I do.  That's exactly why it slipped my mind.  

The morning of my appointment I ran around the house trying to get ready with a toddler hanging onto my face. As I cartwheeled my child at my husband, and ran out the door with a half eaten bagel clenched between my teeth, I knew I was forgetting something. I just knew it.

I arrived at the nail spa, and the technician told me to pick out my color, while she got the pedicure station ready. I did just that, then sauntered on over to the pedicure area, already excited about the amazing leg massage I knew was coming. I sit down, roll up my tights..........


I forgot to shave my fucking legs.

I'm not sure what to do. Do I run? Do I just stay put? Do I come up with an elaborate lie, and reschedule? My legs seriously look like I've been in hibernation for the past six years. This is the weathers fault. It's been a long winter, I'm not use to shaving so often, damit!!

The attendant sits down on her stool, ready to get to work. I let out a sigh, and decide to just let it happen. Maybe she won't notice........who am I fucking kidding, of course she is going to notice.  I can pretty much style a french  braid into my leg if I really wanted to.

She gets to work on my toe nails, and my usual chatty self is staying mute, watching the TV. If I don't speak, it will be less awkward.

She busts out the lotion and goes for my legs.  

Did this bitch just wince? 

In a high pitched, giggly voice I say "I swear I'm not usually this hairy, but you know, motherhood, right?, Ha ha ha ha......."  My laugh trails off into the silent air. I seriously hate the sound of my own voice right now.

She gives me a pathetic giggle back with a half smile/shrug.

Why couldn't I just keep my mouth shut, and not point out the obvious long locks of leg hair. I mean I can actually feel the strands running through her fingers.

The rest of the pedicure ensues in silence. I leave the spa feeling such shame.  The only cure is to stop at Dairy Queen, and drown my sorrows in a hot fudge brownie sundae.

Would you have stayed?  Or re-booked?

Shauna Lynn

Sunday, May 11, 2014

It's OK to be "That" Mom

Photo:  © |

Sometimes seeing myself as a mother makes me laugh.  I seriously can't believe I'm a mom.  There was a time, not that long ago where I didn't even think I wanted kids.  There was a time when "Single Shauna" would shutter at the sound of a whining child in the check out line at a grocery store (Although, karma got me back on that can read about that incedent HERE). A time where young ones screaming and throwing food at a restaurant guaranteed an eye roll and a "can you believe these parents who let there kids carry on like this"?  I was so wrapped up in the carefree, do as I please life, that the thought of kids just seemed like too much of a hassle.

Then I became a mother. A mother to a wild, adventurous, curious, funny, quirky boy.

When I first laid eyes on him (after I was done violently shaking form the aftermaths of childbirth, and could somewhat comprehend what the fuck was going on) I was so happy and scared at the same time. I brought that little bungle of joy home, and became "that" mom.

The mom who is so overprotective of her child, I use to give detailed instructions on how to hold him.

The mom who was so scared that for the first two weeks, I didn't sleep, just watched him breathe. (until I got an Angel Care monitor......and some piece of mind)

The mom who cuts her toddlers food up into unreasonably small pieces

The mom who co-slept with her child until he was 10 months.....and still is OK if he needs to crawl into my bed from time-to-time

The mom who rocked her son to sleep, until that is the only way he would fall asleep.  Even now, at 20 months old, when he is feeling under the weather, still likes it.

Every time I would say "watch his head" or "be careful" I would get an eye roll and a "oh your "that" mom". I use to be embarrassed that I was overprotective, that maybe I wasn't as carefree with my parenting as I should be. 

Now when I hear that phrase, I say "fuck ya".  I'm Ok with being "that" mom,  I'm not perfect, I am overprotective, and I still cut his food up small, but I know I am the best mom for my child.

Happy Mothers Day to all you fabulous mothers out there, and whatever type of mom you are.  Because at the end of the day, all that really matters is that we love our kids with all our hearts.


Shauna Lynn

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

My Child Gets His Weirdness From Me

It's fun to watch your child grow into a little person.  Just last year Marshall was a 9 month old baby. Now he's a 20 month old toddler. He walks/runs, talks (a little), eats on his own, and just last night he took his own pants off.  He has dislikes (peas) and likes (bubble baths).  He can sip through a straw, he goes to daycare two days a week.  It's been crazy watching all his little personalities develop right in front of me. 

Along with these traits, I've noticed he has also developed a few of his own quirks.

1. He loves to twirl his hair (or who ever's hair is near by, usually my ponytail) while he watches TV or falls asleep.

2. He pretends to eat things. He will seriously grab the air, put it in his mouth, chew, swallow, and say "Mmmm!"

3. He has an obsession with fuzzes and lint balls.

Let me elaborate on the third one.

If a sweater has lint balls on them, he will spend how ever long it takes removing said lint balls.......and then try to eat them.

I promise you people I feed my kid.

His lint ball/fuzzy obsession has been going on for a while. His day home sitter even sent me a picture of him picking all the fuzz balls off her sweater.  Being this is my first kid, I started wondering if I should be concerned.  Was this normal?  I expressed this to the best parenting expert I mom.

"Yeah,  you use to do them same thing" she replied,  not even fazed by what I just told her.

"Excuse me?" I say back, with my one eyebrows raised to the sky  "I use to eat fuzz balls?"

"No you wouldn't eat them, you just shoved them up your nose"

"Your joking me, right"?

"Not at all.  You actually had a fuzzy chair that was completely bald on the one side from you picking all the fuzz off of it." my mom says with a laugh.

Holy shit, my son gets his weirdness from me.

"I actually had to take you to the hospital once" she continues "You  shoved a sunflower seed up your nose, and we couldn't get it out.

Cool, cool, I'm obviously a giant freak show who has an obsession with sticking objects up my nose. And on top of that it appears this fuzz ball obsession gene is genetic.

"SO, I shouldn't be worried"? I ask my mom.

"No, no, not at all. If you think about it, it's kinda cute!"

"Yeah, I guess......its just that he gets soooo much of his looks and personality from Matt (the husband), I guess I wanted to pass on something from me to him too......and a lint ball obsession wasn't exactly what I had in mind." I realize I may be getting my pout on at this point. It's not that I don't love that he is a little version of my husband....I totally do. Seeing them together makes my heart swell. But I also birthed the little bugger, so sue me if I want him to have a little something from me.

"You know the way he plays with your ponytail as he falls asleep?" Asks my mom. "Well you use to do the same thing, and your grandpa loved it so much, he use to take your hand and put it on his head so you would twirl his was sweet.  He gets his sweetness from you".

Oh moms, they always know what to say. 

Plus the fact that my son "pretend eats" and "loves them lint balls" always makes me laugh. When I laugh, he laughs right along with me.

Enjoy your quirks son.......they truly are what makes you unique.....and sweet.

Shauna Lynn