Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Listed: Ten Things I know are True After Becoming a Mom

Well its happened.......my not so little anymore munchkin has turned 10 months.  Where the fuck is the time going?? Seriously!! I was standing in line at Babies r Us last week buying two sets of the super deluxe play yards.  I needed the two sets so I could combine them and make one giant gated area for Marshall.  I also purchased four sets of foam mats.  Three hundred dollars later I am convinced in my mind that I have provided my little guy with tons of fun safe space.  As I stand in this line I see a women pick up her what looked like 2 week old baby from his stroller and cradle him.  I seriously cant even remember Marshall being that small....but he was.  I start reminiscing about how a year ago today I was big, giant, sweaty, bitchy, swollen, and pregnant.  Holy fuck time needs to slow down just for a sec.  Just enough so I can share the ten things I've learned since that big pregnant girl a year ago.  So in honor of Marshall's 10 months....here we go....

1.  All Shame goes out the Window after you give Birth

This is so fucking true, its not even funny.  Once you've been spread eagle on a hospital bed for the whole hospital staff to see everything and anything that is going on down there, nothing seems that shameful anymore......

2. You wont be the Mom you thought you would be....and that's ok!

I imagined a very "put together mom".  I thought I would be back to working out within a month.  I thought my whole life would be the same, just add a baby to the mix...no big deal, right? Wrong!! I couldn't be less "put together" if I tried.  And the working out thing?  I just started getting more serious about it a month ago.  I also thought I would have no problem leaving my Marshall to go back to work.......turns out the very thought of it makes me wanna puke.

3. Your life has changed for Good....it will never be the same

This I truly have a hard time explaining to people who are not parents.  I actually remember when people use to try and explain it to me....I didn't get it.  But now I do.....you other moms know whats im talking about.

4.  Your Body is different now

Yep, your whole body changes after you have a baby.  For me, my once prided perky tits took a nose dive. My hips got wider.  Its nothing a double push up bra and some spanx cant help.  Its worth it.

5.  You will never be more tired in your life

The first couple of months are a given.....you get no sleep.  Then slowly things start to get better.  I know some mothers who claim there babies were sleeping through the night at three months old......I fucking hate those bitches.  Read my post My little one is using sleep deprivation to torture me. My baby still wakes up in the middle of the night. Not every night, more like every two nights....which leads me to my next point.......

5. Every Baby is Different

Please, please, please, please, PLEASE try not to get sucked into the baby comparing game.  It is so easy to fall into.  I make a very big effort not to because every baby will develop at there own pace.  My son, at ten months still does not full on crawl...he more army crawls if anything.  Don't sweat those things unless your doctor tells you too.  And try and ignore those people who like to tell you when your babies "should" be doing certain milestones.  Unless that person is a doctor, they need to fuck off.

6. You will learn the true meaning of patience

When your baby is screaming at 2AM and nothing will help, your patience will be tested.  When Mrs. "Doesn't mind her own fucking business" tells you that your doing something wrong, your patience will be tested.  When you are all packed and ready to go, only to have your baby shit his pants, your patience will be tested.  By the time your baby is 10 months you will have patience of mother fucking steel......I can only imagine what your patience are like at the two year old stage.......

7.  You do need time to your self

I know this, yet its still hard for me. I am doing it more and more, and it does feel good.  I went for a manicure and deluxe pedicure last week and thought I was going to have a fucking orgasm from the pure relaxation of it all.  As the chair massaged and molested parts of my body while the girl massaged my feet and legs with hot stones, I realized how important this is. 

8. The word "Mama Bear " takes on a whole new Meaning

You will never feel so protective over something in your whole life.  I would literally take a bullet for my son without even a second thought.  I actually had someone tell me they thought Marshall was behind in one of his milestones.  I almost ripped that  bitches head clean off. 

9. Shit, Spit up, Vomit, Piss, Drool.......

If you have a weak stomach......you wont for long.  I have been pissed on, puked on, drooled on.  My son has shit himself to the point where it is coming out of all sides of his diaper.  While I was changing him once he put his hand in his own shitty diaper, then rubbed it in his hair.  Babies are fucking gross......you just have to get use to it.  Even if you don't, it doesn't really matter.

10. Everything is Worth it

Your life changes, things are never the same, but its sooooo worth it.  More worth it then I could ever put into words.  My son is my world.  Everyday he does something new, and it amazes me.  There is no love stronger then that for your child.  You will never worry, cry, love, laugh, and feel more joy in your life until that baby makes its entrance into this world. 

Enjoy every second of it........I know I am!


Shauna Lynn

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