I have vivid memories of my grandma waxing her mustache. She would buy these tin pots, warm them up, then apply wax all over her face. She did her own eye brows, chin, and upper lip hair. Afterwards, she would request I take tweezers to her face to get any strays. Side Note on My Grandma: (She is one of those cool grandmas, that to this day, at 72 years old, still dresses better then me). I remember doing this for her, and thanking my lucky stars that I was not cursed with the lady mustache. That is until mine was pointed out....by an eyebrow technician...where I sorta made a scene of myself....because apparently I have a hard time believing my face could produce such a thing.
How I Found Out I Have a Lady Mustache
When eyebrow threading first came out, I was excited to try it. I heard all these fabulous things on how threading made the shape of the eyebrow so much better. I headed over to the newly set up stand at the mall to get my brow shaping on. The technician told me to have a seat and pulled out the tools necessary to get the job done.
"What did you want threaded today" she asked with a smile
"My eyebrows" I answer back "they need it soooo bad"
I note to myself that I had let them go a little wild, and they were stating to resemble Bert's from Sesame Street. Actually I think his may have been shaped better.
"Very good" she replies "Is this your first time?"
I nod my head yes.
"Just so you know, the procedure might sting a bit"
She gets right to work. I can feel the eyebrow hair go flying and I start to think about how great there going to look with the new eyeshadow I just purchased. My thoughts are interrupted by the friendly eyebrow experts voice
"Did you want me to take care of the hair on your upper lip"
I gasp. What the fuck did she just say to me.
"What hair on my upper lip" I shoot back
"You have some hair on your upper lip. Its especially dark on the ends" she replies back, completely unfazed by the look of horror sprawled across my face.
Did this bitch seriously just tell me I have a mustache? Is this happening? I look around to see if anyone else heard. The girl and technician in the chair next to me seem to be avoiding eye contact.
"I don't have hair on my upper lip"
She stares at me, blankly.
I stare at her. My face is turning red. This would be an excellent time for one of those sink holes I hear about to open up and swallow me and my apparent mustache whole.
"Its very little....barely noticeable" she finally says slowly. "I just thought you might want to have them done at the same time"
There goes this bitches tip.
"Um, no. I don't want any threading to my upper lip, because I don't need it"
I quickly get up, and head over to the cashier station. I pay her as fast as I can, and bolt outta there. I run to my car, flip down my visor, and immediately check out the corners of my lip.
OMFG.....I'm practically Sasquatch!!! How did I not notice this before? Why wouldn't anybody tell me? I immediately think about purchasing one of those mirrors with the million time magnification. I will clearly have to spend hours infront of it, examining my face to make sure there are no other surprises.
I take a look back in the mirror. I scream. I laugh. I half cry. I'm bordering on psychotic at this point. I start to think of all the conversations I've had with people. Were they staring at my lady mustache the whole time? Were they wondering why I am such a hairy unkept bitch?
I drive to the nearest drug store at a speed that reveals a Nascar competitor, and sprint to the hair removal aisle. There are many options to choose from. I decide to go with hair bleaching. I'm not ready for the metal pot with the wax in it. I'm just not ready.
Back at home I look in the mirror at my reflection, a reflection with the hair bleaching concoction smeared over my upper lip, and let out a huge sigh. A sigh of relief. I have taken care of the problem. I can now feel good about talking to people without a dark mustache interrupting their thoughts.
Now I just have to keep an eye out for chin hairs.