Tuesday, March 25, 2014

How I Found Out I Have a Lady Mustache

I have vivid memories of my grandma waxing her mustache.  She would buy these tin pots, warm them up, then apply wax all over her face.  She did her own eye brows, chin, and upper lip hair.  Afterwards, she would request I take tweezers to her face to get any strays. Side Note on My Grandma: (She is one of those cool grandmas, that to this day, at 72 years old, still dresses better then me). I remember doing this for her, and thanking my lucky stars that I was not cursed with the lady mustache.  That is until mine was pointed out....by an eyebrow technician...where I sorta made a scene of myself....because apparently I have a hard time believing my face could produce such a thing.

How I Found Out I Have a Lady Mustache

When eyebrow threading first came out, I was excited to try it.  I heard all these fabulous things on how threading made the shape of the eyebrow so much better.  I headed over to the newly set up stand at the mall to get my brow shaping on.  The technician told me to have a seat and pulled out the tools necessary to get the job done.

"What did you want threaded today" she asked with a smile

"My eyebrows" I answer back "they need it soooo bad"

I note to myself that I had let them go a little wild, and they were stating to resemble Bert's from Sesame Street. Actually I think his may have been shaped better.

"Very good" she replies "Is this your first time?" 

I nod my head yes.

"Just so you know, the procedure might sting a bit"

She gets right to work. I can feel the eyebrow hair go flying and I start to think about how great there going to look with the new eyeshadow I just purchased. My thoughts are interrupted by the friendly eyebrow experts voice

"Did you want me to take care of the hair on your upper lip"

I gasp. What the fuck did she just say to me.

"What hair on my upper lip" I shoot back

"You have some hair on your upper lip. Its especially dark on the ends"  she replies back, completely unfazed by the look of horror sprawled across my face.

Did this bitch seriously just tell me I have a mustache? Is this happening? I look around to see if anyone else heard.  The girl and technician in the chair next to me seem to be avoiding eye contact.

"I don't have hair on my upper lip"

She stares at me, blankly.

I stare at her. My face is turning red. This would be an excellent time for one of those sink holes I hear about to open up and swallow me and my apparent mustache whole.

"Its very little....barely noticeable" she finally says slowly.  "I just thought you might want to have them done at the same time"

There goes this bitches tip.

"Um, no. I don't want any threading to my upper lip, because I don't need it"

I quickly get up, and head over to the cashier station.  I pay her as fast as I can, and bolt outta there. I run to my car, flip down my visor,  and immediately check out the corners of my lip.

OMFG.....I'm practically Sasquatch!!! How did I not notice this before? Why wouldn't anybody tell me? I immediately think about purchasing one of those mirrors with the million time magnification. I will clearly have to spend hours infront of it, examining my face to make sure there are no other surprises.

I take a look back in the mirror. I scream. I laugh. I half cry. I'm bordering on psychotic at this point.  I start to think of all the conversations I've had with people.  Were they staring at my lady mustache the whole time? Were they wondering why I am such a hairy unkept bitch?

I drive to the nearest drug store at a speed that reveals a Nascar competitor, and sprint to the hair removal aisle. There are many options to choose from.  I decide to go with hair bleaching. I'm not ready for the metal pot with the wax in it. I'm just not ready.

Back at home I look in the mirror at my reflection, a reflection with the hair bleaching concoction smeared over my upper lip, and let out a huge sigh. A sigh of relief.  I have taken care of the problem. I can now feel good about talking to people without a dark mustache interrupting their thoughts.

Now I just have to keep an eye out for chin hairs.

Shauna Lynn


  1. Had the exact same thing happen to me about a month ago. I seriously wanted to die because it could mean only one thing, I'm old. Then a couple weeks later my 20 year old daughter was home and as the sun caught her face just right I saw it on her too. I feel better now.

    1. It was mortifying!! at least I'm not alone!! ;) Thanks for stopping by!

  2. hahahaha the chin hairs will be following soon. I was aghast the first time I spotted one. It was a doozy and I wondered how long the sucker had been growing and that so many people must have seen it too! The phases of womanhood. Great story!!!
    Visiting from SITS Sharefest. Following you on Bloglovin', G+ and Pinterest.
    Barbara @ www.allmylivesnow.com

    1. Thanks for the comment!! So far I've been lucky with the chin hairs.......I did however find a long black hair growing out of my mole. Thanks for stopping by! :)

  3. I've had a mustache for as long as I can remember--as a natural brunette, it's obvious. Oh well, I think they're more common than most of us will admit. ;)

    1. I think your right!! I was in such denial when she told me though! Thanks for the comment and read. :)

  4. Lol. You have a really cute blog that women can relate to! I am following along from the Friday Blog Hop! You can find me at www.fitbodyfirst.com. Have a great day!

    1. Thank you for the nice compliment! I'm glad you can relate!

      Also, I just stopped by your blog, and its just what I need right now! I really loved the article on Intermittent Fasting and Your Metabolism.

      Thanks again for the stop by! :)

  5. Ha! I had my mother point it out rather than a technician, but it was still super embarrassing. She didn't really say it like 'oh no big deal, we can take care of it if you want', it was like 'if i can see it, that means everyone else can too', which just made me SUPER paranoid. Thanks, Mom!
    Chin hairs...don't even get me started. I have about four or five that like to sprout from the same spot at different times.

    1. Oh no!! If it makes you feel any better I just recently found a long dark curly hair growing out of my mole on the side of my face!! Thanks so much for the read and stop by! :)

  6. The car mirror is the perfect place to spot lip and chin hairs! I am begging you to pleasssse don't buy a magnifying mirror! I can always tell when a clients has one. They come in and want me to fix something no one can see unless they are looking at them in a magnifying mirror! Always remember.....candle light is everyones friend!

    1. I already bought one.....oops! But I promise I only use it for tweezing!

      Thank you again for the stop by and comment! :)

  7. Ha ha! This was so funny!

    I've been kind of stressed about my upper lip hair and it's blonde! But the light catches it! I had heard about women face shaving and that it actually exfoliates the skin and allows make up to go on smoother but I was too chicken to try.

    Then my friend brought it up and said she started shaving. You just shave ALL OVER the face. I didn't believe her and thought maybe she was just trying to get me to do it because she didn't know how to tell me that I had a big, hairy blonde mustache so she staged this elaborate "I shave now!" story. So I had her send me a picture of her shaving and then the next time I saw her I made sure to inspect her face. All her actions are actually NOT about me.

    So I tried it. And I love it! Google it. It's a thing. my face is so smooth and it doesn't grow back thicker. Serious!

    Visiting from SITS!

    1. I'm totally googleing the face shaving thing!

      Thanks for the stop by! ;)