Monday, March 10, 2014

The Two Try Brazillion Wax


Photo: © Mytime | Dreamstime.com

I bought myself a Groupon last week (how great is Groupon?!). It was for a body salt scrub and mud wrap treatment.  As soon as I purchased it, I called the spa to make an appointment.  The friendly receptionist  arranges a day and time for me.  Just before she hangs up the phone, she tells me I might want to wear underwear that I don't mind getting messy from the mud, or I can go nude for the treatment.  I ponder this for a second.  The last time I was naked for a spa treatment, the out come was less then desirable:

The Two Try Bazillion Wax

About five years ago I decided I wanted to get a Brazilian wax done.  It seemed like a good idea. All my friends had done it, as well as my sister.  They said it hurt like a bitch, but was totally worth it. Bathing suit season was also upon me, and the idea of a smooth bikini area was very appealing. I went ahead and called the spa to book my treatment.

The receptionist told me the hair had to be 1/4 inches long. I asked if  a week and half would be sufficient. The receptionist said yes, and I was all set to go.

The day of the appointment, I arrived bright eyed and bushy crotched.  I was told to strip from the waist down, and place the itty bitty white towel provided over my nether regions. The esthetician came in, and we started chatting. She asked if it was my first time, I said yes, and she assured me that it would be a bit painful but worth it.  "I bet you come back" she says with a wink.  Side Note: Its a little weird being winked at while lying on a table with your crotch on display

She spreads the warm wax on, followed by a strip, and pulls.

HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT BALLS.

Hurting a bit, was a bit of an understatement. I'm pretty sure she took my hair, and half my uterus with it.

"You OK?" She asks

"Yep" I say between clenched teeth. "Just peachy".

She does a few more strips, and for a fleeting moment I think about kicking her in the face, and running bare ass outta there. My thoughts are interrupted by a sigh from the wax professional. 

"Hm mm, that's weird"  she says aloud. Well, that's  not something you want to hear from the women who has her hands on your lady parts.

"Whats weird?" I question back with raised eyebrows

"All the hair isn't coming off......it must not have not been long enough"

"Really? The receptionist said 1/4 inches"

"Yeah, well, actually we recommend 1/2 inches or longer. I kinda thought it wasn't long enough when I looked at it, but I was hoping it would be OK"

Silence. I'm not really sure what this broad is getting at, but from the information she is presenting me, it sounds like my Brazilian isn't going well.

"You could come back next week" she says with a shrug.

Is this bitch serious?

"But you've already started" I shriek in a high pitch tone, I don't even recognize.

"Well I got most of it, it's just, well, sorta patchy in some places. You know where the hair wasn't long enough. If you give it a week, those hairs will be long enough, and I can go over the whole area again. The second treatment will be free".

Well I should fucking hope so. I think to myself. As much as I want to get all huffy, and scream "You should of said it wasn't long enough", or "This isn't right" at the top of my lungs, I don't. Because yelling with your crotch on display is pretty much impossible. Needless to say, I left the salon with a patchy, tender, lady area.  

My husband called soon after excited to hear how the procedure went.  He and I both had a very different idea how the out come was going to be.

"I'm a patchy crotched freak" I yell into the phone. I then explain the story to him, and let him know that 
a) I'm so sad, and confused by the Brazilian 
and 
b) I will be spending the remainder of the night soaking in a bath tub with a bottle of wine.  

Now I'm not saying all wax treatments happen like this. (Actually I'm pretty sure no wax treatments happen like this), but please heed my advice and make sure the spa receptionist knows what the fuck shes talking about. And that the esthetician also knows what the fuck shes talking about. Maybe just make sure everyone is on the same page hair growth wise.



Shauna Lynn

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9 comments:

  1. i had a brazilian once and the person who waxed me went over some areas more than she should have, resulting in her waxing off skin in addition to hair. yep, i had some patches of skin ripped off. so you shouldn't feel bad about your experience. believe me, mine was worse.

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  2. Err, skin ripped off?! I just cringed when I read that! Oh the things we do in the name of beauty! Thanks for the comment!

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  3. I've gotten brazilians done twice.. and omg.. the pain! It was explained to me the more you do it the less it hurts since the hair isn't as tight in the folicle? I don't even know, it was blinding pain. The first time should have taught me, but I was stupid enough to go the 2nd time. By the time she was done, my teeth were chattering and I couldn't stop giggling (both are stress reactions for me). I'm not sure who was more freaked out, me or the lady doing the wax.

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    1. The idea of the brazilian sounds good.....until your actually getting it done!! But I heard the same thing, the more you get it done, the less it hurts. I probably won't be testing this theory! Thanks for the comment. :)

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  4. Oh this is hilarious! I think you captured what most women are thinking as this is happening! I have been an esthetician in a medical spa for 11 years now and we only laser this area. It is much better than all the yanking and pulling and is permanent. We stopped waxing because even when the client was told over the phone we needed a 21 day growth most did not listen and would come in with a 3 day growth think they were hairy beast!

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    1. Yeah I think the next time I do any maintenance to my lady area, I will try the laser!! Thanks for stopping by, and for the read!

      P.S I stopped by your blog, and its freaking fantastic!! I was recently thinking about a chemical peel.......I'm thinking yes now! :)

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    2. Thanks! You will love chemical peels! I am in the right profession as all this non invasive beauty stuff is addicting! Oh who am I kidding I love the invasive stuff too!

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  5. First of all, this is hilarious. But I'm seriously clenching reading this and the comment about skin being ripped off. Holy balls, that seals my no waxing down there deal.

    Second of all, I'm visiting from SITS sharefest, read your tag lines, and felt I was pretty much obligated to follow you being a fellow lover of the word fuck. Nice to meet you!

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    1. Nice to meet you too!! I love your name, its fabulous!! :)

      Yeah waxing down below was a little more than I was prepared for! I always tell people, think the worst, and its probably worse than that. Maybe I'm just being a baby.

      Thanks for stopping by!

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