About a month ago, the city I live in got a new indoor water park. Its all anybody could fucking talk about....including my husband. He wanted to go, and wanted me to go with him. I guess we would bring our child as well.
"I don't have a bathing suit" I wined to him.
"Well go get one, here you can have my credit card, spend whatever you want, take the whole day to shop for one, just please, please, please find a swimsuit" he requested with a hint of desperation in his voice.
He knows me too well.
"I will see what I can do" was the only response I could give him.
I started thinking what fun I would have shopping for a bikini three years ago. Three years ago I had a hot ass body. I was a gym rat and it showed. Three years ago, I owned four different bathing suits, that I rocked on the beach with a killer tan. Three years ago I didn't have a post baby body.
I decide the best place to shop is a swim suit boutique. I enter the store and roam around like a lost soul for 10 minutes, until a sales associate finds me looking at a rack of tankinis.
"Can I help you find something today" says the perky 20 something beautifully bronzed blonde.
"Um, yes, I need a swimsuit" I stammer back.
"OK, well today we are having a sale on ....."
"Yeah, I don't really care about the sales, I just need a bathing suit that is going to cover up my jiggly bits, lift up my ass, and make me feel even 30% OK about myself"
"Not a problem......" the sales associate replies back cautiously. I can tell she regrets talking to me. "These two pieces over here are mix and match, and.......
"No bikinis!!!!" I practically scream at the top of my lungs.
"OK......how about I get you some one pieces and start you a room"
"Sounds great" I say with a forced smile.
Once I'm in the changing room I strip down to try the first bathing suit on. As I look at my half naked body in the cruel changing room mirror, I muffle back a scream. Why am I so pasty? This lightning is showing every ripple of cellulite. I've decided that I hate my husband for wanting to go to the stupid water park. It's the only reason I have to shop for bathing suit. Whatever. I try the first one on. A raspberry colored strapless one piece. It looks pretty fashionable on the hanger.........but down right hilarious on me. Or maybe I'm being too hard on myself.............
"Hows it going in there" the sales associate sing songs to me from the other side of the change room.
I rip open the curtain to show her how the first selection is fitting.
"I don't know, what do you think?" I say with a hopeful, but clearly I already know the answer, smile.
"Um, lets try something else maybe"? says the blonde.
I actually love her honesty.
I try on about 1,552 bathing suits, forcing the perky sales associate to endure all my complaints, questions, and "I don't know, what do you thinks". I'm pretty sure at one point she considers walking off the job, never to return again....................not even for her pay cheque.
Maybe I'm being too picky, but seriously is it too much to ask to find a swim suit that camouflages my tummy, while still making me feel just a little sexy?
Just went I'm thinking about giving up, driving home and punching my husband in the face (because clearly this is all his fault) the sales associate presents me with a black little number. Rushing across the tummy, a little low cut in the bust area. This seems promising. I try on the one piece and....I like it.....no, actually....I love it! I call the patient sales girl over to show her the fit.
"You look totally hot" she says with a smile of relief.
I am so fucking happy at this point I buy the mesh cover up and sunglasses as sale add-ons. I also may, or may not have hugged the blonde girl.
I leave feeling pretty fantastic. Now all I need to do is slap some self tanner on my ghost like skin, book a pedicure for my winter feet and I'm all set.
If you need a good self tanner to try, check out this post on my favourites HERE.
One final thought: If your like me, you might me a little hard on your self. We are always our own worse critic. Just be patient, find a sales associate that will really help you, and try on as many as necessary until you find the right fit. Then you can strut yourself on the beach, at a water park, or in your backyard feeling awesome!